Mother

I am a mother & it still strikes me as odd. I look at my 2.5 yr old daughter & it doesn't seem fully real. I never thought that this would be my life, that I would actually have kids. I always wanted kids, always hoped I'd have them, begging, pleading, prayed for kids but after years of trying I gave up. So it's surreal to have this smart, attitudey, full of personality & spunk child. Then to also be 6 months pregnant with another. Wait, what?! I feel like a normal, fertile, person. We have a family, our lives revolve around our child(ren). It's just surreal, very surreal, that I actually have a child & soon children. I can't say I'm infertile really. This pregnancy has been odd. I know I had a hard time believing I was pregnant last time and I didn't really connect with it but I feel totally disconnected from this pregnancy. I see his carseat box, I go through his to-be clothes, & it's weird and mindless. It saddens me that I am not connected to this baby. Maybe it's depression, maybe it's just life is so busy & I don't have time to reveal at the fact I'm having another child. I know I'm scared to death of having another. I wonder if I'll be able to handle it, being a parent of 2. I know my husband is completely disconnected too. He seems to have no real interest in the baby. You still can't feel kicks on the outside so really what can he do. I guess I'm the one pregnant, the one who feels the movement & kicks, that one going to ultrasounds. If I feel disconnected then what should I expect from him? It becomes real to him when I give birth & maybe it'll become real to me then too. Maybe it'll just be natural going from one to two, I'm told it is. I just wish I was excited, which I am at times but not also at time. I still have 13 or so weeks, I know a lot will change in that time. Kicks will definitely be felt on the outside, I have another ultrasound in just over 2 weeks that Mike should be going too, maybe it'll all start feeling real and right.

Names.  Naming a child is horrible. I don't understand how people can name their child before they even know gender. That makes no sense. I picked the name Katelyn or Katherine when I was 18, I knew I wanted to name my daughter after my best friend at the time, also my sister, & of course my middle name. So, I knew I wanted Katherine Lyn Marie or Katelyn Marie. But when I got pregnant, it wasn't set in stone she'd be named Katelyn. Mike didn't like the name & we threw around names the whole time. I guess she always was going to be Katelyn but I couldn't name her before meeting her. Allison was a possibility at one point & Alexandra was the other contender at birth. So, I had Katie picked out for 10 years BUT it wasn't 100%, I would NOT say for sure, her name was Katelyn until I saw her. And it went like this: Husband, holding her, "She's Katelyn isn't she?". Me "Yup". Anyways, this kid. Ugh! I've had a name picked out since being pregnant with Katie. Mike suggested it & then of course hated it. Get pregnant this time, find out boy, & this name is still in my head as his possible name. I also have this WEIRD slight obsession with a J or N name. We currently are K, L, M last name. So, baby 2 would make us J, K, L, M or K, L, M, N. Am I completely set on a J or N name, No. I was before becoming pregnant but now I want Mike to be happy with his, baby's, name. So if a J or N name isn't sometime he likes then he doesn't. I will be a little sad if it doesn't end up being one of those letters. I think the alphabet thing is cute & special. Anyways, as I did with Katie, I love names one day & hate them the next. THE name, the name picked out 3 years ago, I have a love/hate relationship with. It feels like Katelyn did, like I know it's his name but at the same time, no way it's his name. So I move on to other names we've liked. Funny enough, only 1 name out of those 4 is NOT a J or N name. 5 possible names(which will probably change) & 2 are J and 2 are N names. What can I say, I like my J & N's. We don't even talk about names so we're not even getting closer to one. I would love to name him now or soon but at the same time I want to see him, hold him, to know whether it fits. Who am I kidding. How often do people change their picked out names at birth? You going through the pregnancy calling this baby that name, that child becomes that name by birth. So IF we settled on a name, baby would BE that name. I guess I'm just glad Mike came to his senses about Liam. I don't think I could've handled naming him Liam. And yeah yeah, Mike is suppose to be naming this baby since I named Katie. Ha ha ha. We all know I have finally say on baby's name, I'm the one who will be yelling it through the house. I'm the one who will be spending every second of every day with. But I do want him to be happy with the name so he does have a big say. It's just frustrating since he goes from liking names to passionately hating them days or weeks later. If he just kept liking a few names, it would all be easier. I would be happy if we could settle on 2 names. 3 names even. I think we're down to 4 names. The A name doesn't seem like a possibility, doesn't seem right. Sop, 2 J & 2 N names it is. I don't even know if Mike likes the second J name, I decided on it a few nights ago. Have I said how much I HATE trying to name a child! Why is it so hard for us, SERIOUSLY!!! At least we know his middle name, the family middle name. So, he's 2/3 named! Middle & Last! :)