Mother

I am a mother & it still strikes me as odd. I look at my 2.5 yr old daughter & it doesn't seem fully real. I never thought that this would be my life, that I would actually have kids. I always wanted kids, always hoped I'd have them, begging, pleading, prayed for kids but after years of trying I gave up. So it's surreal to have this smart, attitudey, full of personality & spunk child. Then to also be 6 months pregnant with another. Wait, what?! I feel like a normal, fertile, person. We have a family, our lives revolve around our child(ren). It's just surreal, very surreal, that I actually have a child & soon children. I can't say I'm infertile really. This pregnancy has been odd. I know I had a hard time believing I was pregnant last time and I didn't really connect with it but I feel totally disconnected from this pregnancy. I see his carseat box, I go through his to-be clothes, & it's weird and mindless. It saddens me that I am not connected to this baby. Maybe it's depression, maybe it's just life is so busy & I don't have time to reveal at the fact I'm having another child. I know I'm scared to death of having another. I wonder if I'll be able to handle it, being a parent of 2. I know my husband is completely disconnected too. He seems to have no real interest in the baby. You still can't feel kicks on the outside so really what can he do. I guess I'm the one pregnant, the one who feels the movement & kicks, that one going to ultrasounds. If I feel disconnected then what should I expect from him? It becomes real to him when I give birth & maybe it'll become real to me then too. Maybe it'll just be natural going from one to two, I'm told it is. I just wish I was excited, which I am at times but not also at time. I still have 13 or so weeks, I know a lot will change in that time. Kicks will definitely be felt on the outside, I have another ultrasound in just over 2 weeks that Mike should be going too, maybe it'll all start feeling real and right.

Names.  Naming a child is horrible. I don't understand how people can name their child before they even know gender. That makes no sense. I picked the name Katelyn or Katherine when I was 18, I knew I wanted to name my daughter after my best friend at the time, also my sister, & of course my middle name. So, I knew I wanted Katherine Lyn Marie or Katelyn Marie. But when I got pregnant, it wasn't set in stone she'd be named Katelyn. Mike didn't like the name & we threw around names the whole time. I guess she always was going to be Katelyn but I couldn't name her before meeting her. Allison was a possibility at one point & Alexandra was the other contender at birth. So, I had Katie picked out for 10 years BUT it wasn't 100%, I would NOT say for sure, her name was Katelyn until I saw her. And it went like this: Husband, holding her, "She's Katelyn isn't she?". Me "Yup". Anyways, this kid. Ugh! I've had a name picked out since being pregnant with Katie. Mike suggested it & then of course hated it. Get pregnant this time, find out boy, & this name is still in my head as his possible name. I also have this WEIRD slight obsession with a J or N name. We currently are K, L, M last name. So, baby 2 would make us J, K, L, M or K, L, M, N. Am I completely set on a J or N name, No. I was before becoming pregnant but now I want Mike to be happy with his, baby's, name. So if a J or N name isn't sometime he likes then he doesn't. I will be a little sad if it doesn't end up being one of those letters. I think the alphabet thing is cute & special. Anyways, as I did with Katie, I love names one day & hate them the next. THE name, the name picked out 3 years ago, I have a love/hate relationship with. It feels like Katelyn did, like I know it's his name but at the same time, no way it's his name. So I move on to other names we've liked. Funny enough, only 1 name out of those 4 is NOT a J or N name. 5 possible names(which will probably change) & 2 are J and 2 are N names. What can I say, I like my J & N's. We don't even talk about names so we're not even getting closer to one. I would love to name him now or soon but at the same time I want to see him, hold him, to know whether it fits. Who am I kidding. How often do people change their picked out names at birth? You going through the pregnancy calling this baby that name, that child becomes that name by birth. So IF we settled on a name, baby would BE that name. I guess I'm just glad Mike came to his senses about Liam. I don't think I could've handled naming him Liam. And yeah yeah, Mike is suppose to be naming this baby since I named Katie. Ha ha ha. We all know I have finally say on baby's name, I'm the one who will be yelling it through the house. I'm the one who will be spending every second of every day with. But I do want him to be happy with the name so he does have a big say. It's just frustrating since he goes from liking names to passionately hating them days or weeks later. If he just kept liking a few names, it would all be easier. I would be happy if we could settle on 2 names. 3 names even. I think we're down to 4 names. The A name doesn't seem like a possibility, doesn't seem right. Sop, 2 J & 2 N names it is. I don't even know if Mike likes the second J name, I decided on it a few nights ago. Have I said how much I HATE trying to name a child! Why is it so hard for us, SERIOUSLY!!! At least we know his middle name, the family middle name. So, he's 2/3 named! Middle & Last! :)

Time Flies

Where is the time going? Lately I can't believe how big Katie seems. She seems to be changing every day & growing more and more, though not physically. I swear this girl refuses to grow any taller or gain any weight. She seems bigger so maybe she has grown, I'll have to measure her. Probably in a few weeks/months. I can't seem to get things done. I need to sell Katie's clothes but barely started. I got the baby towels/burps rags sold, that's it. I need to go through actual clothes & sell them. I went through the baby boy clothes I bought & separated them into sizes. I'm tempted to buy more boy clothes but am too lazy to actually meet people. This pregnancy leaves me in a constant exhausted state. I have no energy ever & I sleep like crap. Insomnia is horrible this pregnancy. Every night (or at least 98% of the time) I am awake for at least 2 hours in the middle of sleep. Sometimes I'm lucky & it's 3 hours of wide awake time before I get to sleep again. No wonder I can't get anything done. Ugh! Baby boy is active & is weighing in a 1 lb 9 oz as of Tuesday, right on track for 25 weeks. His femur was measuring at 27 weeks so I'm hoping he'll be tall like his daddy. It still seems so crazy that in 3 months or so we'll have 2 children, a daughter & a son. We struggled for so many years & I seriously thought we'd never have kids. I didn't think that dream would come true for us. Then we got lucky with Katie & while I hoped for another I didn't actually think it'd happen. Now I'm scared to death it's actually happening. I am terrified to have 2 kids. I am overwhelmed with 1, how will I handle 2? How will I have any energy for Katie when I know the baby will drain me mentally & physically? I'm scared, honestly scared, for June to come but excited. Can I also say I'm horrified for July to come & to have a 3 yr old?! NO! Baby girl stop growing! She can't be 3, I miss my tiny, itty bitty, baby girl. I think "oh you'll get baby time again, you're having another" but it doesn't feel the same. I miss my little baby girl, my sweet petite princess. I have a feeling I'll have a chunky monkey prince or at least normal sized newborn boy. He better not grow too fast. I have over 500 size 1 diapers & over 200 newborn diapers. I also have 60 preemie in case, Katie was in preemies for a few weeks. Yeah, I have 867 diapers bought already.... I know one thing for sure, he'll be diapered & he'll be clothed until at least 3-6 months. :) So I miss my tiny newly born baby girl but man to watch her grow & learn, it's amazing. She can count to 12! I'm working on counting fingers & items, food bribing is a big one. Tell how many "X"s there are & you can have one. Yup, yup! Ain't no shame if she's learning! :) She loves the snow & the cold. I hate it but this kid LOVES it! Good thing we just got another round of snow last night. She'll have a blast.

Well I'm sure I'm forgetting tons but I need to get back to bed. Good night/morning (it's 6:35am)!

An Interesting & Busy few weeks.

I last wrote a month ago & we did our big move 3 weeks ago. Man was it crazy. We spent the last week of January cleaning our butts off to get the house ready to give back to the rental company. We still have boxes every where but our place also looks lived in. I love the 4 bedrooms, it's so nice having a room just for Katie & a room just for baby boy. I've already started getting him clothes. I found an awesome lot for $25 & I tell you, he is completely prepared from 0 to 3 months. I might get a few more newborn items & definitely look for 6m-9m pieces but man, he has a lot of clothes already. I'll most likely have to sell or donate some of what I have since I know family will be buying for him too. Baby boy is SO active at times. He kicks all the time I tell ya. It's hard for them to get his heartbeat on Doppler but he starts kicking when they start so I know he's fine. They found a calcium spot on the ultrasound in his abdomen so we're hoping for the best. They said it could be nothing or it could be a hernia in his intestines which would need immediate surgery. Obviously I'm hoping for nothing. I'll get ultrasound every month to check on it. The ultrasound kills my body. My back & hips, I usually end up hurting for a few days afterwards because the ultrasounds take about 45 mins. Ouch! But he's growing like he should & like I said, he's a kicker.

Katie seems to be changing too. She's got attitude, goodness. She's still only 33 inches(I believe it was 33) & she's still RFing but I might change that. I like her being behind my seat in the van but it's not really "proper" because the front seat is touching her carseat. I just can't buckle myself in without it back. I have trouble where it is, I need it more back if possible but can't because of her seat. I am ready to FF her but I'm not. She's still small & I wanted to RF til she was 3 at least. I know she's 2 1/2 now but I'm very scared to move her FF. I'm scared of the what ifs. What if we crash, it's not as safe. She'd be safer RFing! Dilemmas, dilemmas. :( Anyways, I think Katie's vocabulary is expanding. She talks so much, even if sometimes you have no idea what she's saying. She gets frustrated when you don't understand her. She is obsessed with helicopters(hopcopters) & clocks. Those are the 2 huges ones. We hear & see helicopters all the darn time now living on post & she SCREAMS every time. "Mom, Dad, Hopcopters!!! LOOK!!! LOOK!! See it?!?!" She goes crazy. She also points clocks out everywhere, even on TV. Any type of clock is like a magnet for her eyes, she'll see the smallest or fartherest away clocks I swear. Yes, Yes, It's a clock kid. I finally put the batteries in her clock in her playroom. She was so excited. I finally found an awesome invention called Dapper Snappers which let me put age sized clothes on my kid. She had been rocking high waters for months & they just got worse & worse. She was getting taller but not any rounder. So now I can put 2T clothes on her with these bands/belts. YAY!!!

So, we have a 2 1/2 year old little girl & I'm currently 23 weeks pregnant with our little boy. It's weird to think in 3.5-4 months we'll have a baby boy & 6-8 weeks later we'll have a 3 year old little(but big) girl. I hope munchkin #2 is normal size but at the same time I'd love a petite one like his sister. I think/hope he'll be a normal sized & growing little boy. He may be small at birth(I do think he'll have to come early for medical reasons) but I hope he grows a little faster than Katie did. I hope he'll be tall like his dad,

Oh my gosh, by the way, this pregnancy sort of sucks. Haha. With Katie I have luscious hair & nails, barely any symptoms of pregnancy. This one, pst. My nails are so brittle, my hair is so dry & broken, & my skin is so sensitive, our water makes me break out in a rash every time I shower. I'm not even exaggerating, I'm like allergic to this water! I had nausea/morning sickness at 20 weeks & I get heartburn so easy. I was eating cheddar & bbq snack mix and felt the burn starting. It didn't get to full blown heartburn but it wanted too. From crackers!!! He's lucky he's a kicker & it's so cool to feel. I'm sure him being a kicker will be a pain in the butt later, when he gets bigger and more powerful. Hahaha. Good thing it's my second/last pregnancy. :)

What a week!

Mike's work week was only 4 days long but I swear it was one of the longest week ever. It was mentally & physically exhausting. Even Mike's first day off was tiring & exhausting because of moving. When stressed I become a bitch & with this move and getting a call that a realtor wants to show the house in less than 24 hrs is stress-the fuck-ful! Point being I was a monster mom at times & my poor kid had to deal with it. My kid always has to deal with my bad moods & sometimes their bad. But this kid, I tell you, is the most compassionate & caring person I know. The most forgiving. After yelling & getting onto her all day, she would hug me and give me love. She would snap me out of the bad & make me realize how amazing she was. I really am so lucky & thankful to my daughter. She's so full of attitude, personality, & energy.

We got to see the baby this week. My amazing & LONG gender scan. We got to see it all on a big screen TV mounted on the wall. Katie knew or at least pretended to know that she was seeing her baby brother/sister on the screen. She heard a baby cry in the hallway/other room and she said "I hear it". Haha. I was so amazed seeing baby's head, body, legs, arms, spine! The spine was something so crazy & special, I'm not sure why but I was so amazed everytime I saw the spine. Baby was moving all around at first but then little buttheat didn't want to show us the goods. I thought I saw something & the tech did too but she couldn't say for sure. She said at some angles she saw boy & some she saw girl.  Baby's legs were tucked under the belly, then bent & tucked under the butt. Part of the problem was baby's foot was right in front of the crotch. After 45 mins & my back starting to kill me she got another tech. I was honestly ok with going home not knowing yet. 18 weeks, while in the 18-20 weeks gender scan time frame, seemed early. I know some girls find out at 15-16 weeks but I don't think I was fully ready to know. 15 weeks, that's so crazy to me to find out gender. Anyways, the second tech comes in & I see the same thing I had seen before and I was right. The second tech got a good picture & we found out what our new little munchkin was. :)
Maybe it's because I know this is our last baby I realized I would be a little upset whether baby was boy or girl. I wanted a boy, a son, to pass down the family name and for Mike to have his son. Every man should get a son, if he's lucky enough. I also wanted a mama's boy. So I wanted a son very badly. I wanted one of each, a perfect little family. I also realized I wanted a girl, for the simple fact that I wanted Katie to get the same special bond I have with my sister. I wanted Katie to have a sister. And having another little girl to dress up wouldn't be so bad. I had 2 dreams where I was holding a new baby girl with my beautiful big girl running around. My dreams last time were right, they must be this time too. I started settling into the idea having a girl & really that's not bad. I literally have 15(or so, I haven't counted actually) diaper boxes of baby girl clothes. I have almost everything for a girl so having a girl won't bankrupt us. Not that a boy would but we'd need clothes on top of a new carseat & boy blankets/towels/etc. Having a boy also means going through & selling 99.9% of my baby girl clothes. This is our last baby & there is a part of me that wants another, hopes for another, but we shouldn't have another. I'm only 18 weeks & I'm already sad for this to be my last time. How pathetic is that?

So, time for the big reveal. What is munchkin love #2?! We're having a baby boy. His measurement were from 17wks 3 days to 18wks. He weighed 8 ounces! My half pound baby boy. I felt so many hits & kicks during the scan, it was so truly amazing! I'm in disbelief we're having a boy, I really thought it was going to be a girl. Last time we found out girl (which is what I wanted & knew all along) I kept gravitating towards boy stuff. Boy names, boy clothes. This time we're having a boy & I keep gravitating towards girl stuff. I find that so weird. I am excited to start shopping for our son but also scared, overwhelmed. I can't wait to feel kicks all the time, feel him move, see him more on ultrasounds. Pick his name though that truly is going to suck. We're not good at picking/deciding on names. We're both so stubborn & baby names seems to be the touchiest subject ever for us. Good luck baby on being named before you're born. :)

Life

Life has been so hectic & crazy. I had my physical on the 23rd & I asked to hear the baby on Doppler. She wasn't able to find/hear baby so she was kind enough to get the ultrasound. My doctor has a crappy old one so all you literally see is movement. She wasn't trained on ultrasounds so she couldn't tell me if it was a heart beating or the baby moving. Movement is movement & it gave me a little peace of mind. I had my regular appt on the 30th & she found baby on Doppler. Unfortunately loud doctor walked in seconds after finding baby & I was distracted. She only kept the Doppler on for maybe 10-15 seconds total, including the interrupting doctor. I heard my baby love though, a healthy heartbeat. It was the first time I felt like I could breathe & relax this pregnancy. I heard his/her actual heartbeat. I have no idea what the number was though. Right when I was going to ask she was pulling it away. The visit with the doctor was 2 minutes tops. This is that, up your meds, any questions? Nope, next appt & gender scan in a few weeks. Goodbye. Um, ok. So, yeah, our gender is coming up shortly, I'll be 18 weeks. I'm tempted to do gender reveal photos before hand so I make the cards as soon as we find out & can get them sent on their way asap. I'd obviously have to do boy & girl photos so they'd be ready. I'm sure, as with my luck, the better photos will be the wrong gender. Maybe photoshop will be my friend & I could change the color if necessary. Haha. Or just do white glitter so I can add whatever color needs. Not sure how well that'd work.

I am amazed all the time by Katie. She is so smart & so curious, annoyingly so at times. Don't take that wrong, I love her with all my heart, it's just sometimes she's a lot to handle. She seems to know if you're frazzled & does everything she can to make you more frazzled. Sometimes I really wish we lived closer to family so I could get a break every now & then. Also, I'd love her to get more family time, it kills me knowing our families are missing out on so much of her life. The joy of military life I suppose. Katie's personality is so big. She is so silly & lovey. Lately she'll just walk up to you & snuggle for a few seconds. She'll rub her face against your belly or chest & say "I love you, awww", it reminds me of a cat. She sometimes will randomly kiss you and she's pretty good of giving you kiss if you ask. Unless she's mad at you, then she won't. :( She's got my attitude & I think her daddy's personality. I can't believe our baby girl is almost 2.5. Where is the time going?! January 7th will be 3 years since we found out we were expecting her/a baby. Though I knew instantly we were having a girl, I just knew.

We're wading into the new home/moving water. We signed papers for our home on post on Dec 31st & moved all baby items to the new home on Friday(2nd). We have 3 more weekends to move our stuff, the 24th is our BIG move day(all the big/heavy stuff). The last week of the month we'll spending cleaning & painting this (current) home. I am incredibly stressed with the move & kind of in general. We have so much to do, it's crazy. I want to do it all but also just ignore it all. Haha. It'll get done, hopefully sooner rather than later though. :)  The more we do early, the less stress there will be the end of the month.

Well I guess that's about it. Have a beautiful day.

Slowly but Quickly

Life seems to be going slowly but SO quickly. Today I am 15 weeks along with munchkin love. I am so paranoid this pregnancy & consistently fear something is wrong. I don't feel pregnant anymore, I don't have the nausea & such. In the morning I have sore boobs but they go away. I have an appt today but it's a physical. I don't know if they'll do the Doppler, even if I ask. I need to hear his/her heartbeat, I need to know he/she is ok. At the same time, if something is wrong do I really want to find out right before Christmas. I'm already sad we're not home with family and it just doesn't feel like Christmas here. It looks like Christmas but doesn't feel like it. So, in a nutshell, I'm worried about baby and anxious about today. I had a stomach flu early last week & I lost a nice chunk of weight. I was down 20 lbs(from pre-pregnancy). I gained back 5. Grrr! Then again, I literally had nothing in my stomach for 24 hrs & could barely eat for another day. I guess shows you what a pig I am to gain back so much in so little time. Waa Waa! I'm still, according to our scale, down 15 lbs. I HOPE the doctor scale shows at least a few lbs lost.

Christmas. Well, it does look like it here. Our stockings are hung, we have a decorated tree & presents under it. Our front door is decorated/has lights. The mantel had lights but they decided to die 2 days ago so up. We have Christmas decorations up too & a mini tree with lights. I would be listening to more Christmas music but my hubby is a butthead & hates it. Stupid boys! We got stuff to make a nice little meal on Christmas too. It just doesn't feel like Christmas is 2 days away. Just doesn't feel special. And maybe that's because I know in a week we start the process of moving our home. Packing & moving & new home! I am stressed about that.

Katie is still my spitfire & full of energy. She now will repeat songs from her shows. She's been eating REALLY great lately, that's so awesome. I hope it keeps up because she needs to gain weight. Even I'm worried now. 2 lbs in 5 months is not a lot.

Well, that's about it. Have a great day & a Merry Christmas!

December

It has officially been 1 year since we left Sierra Vista, Az & I super miss my old life. I miss my friend & her son. I know she'd have my back & be my shoulder during this pregnancy. Oh well. Anyways, Katie is getting so big & I think she's grown a little more. I need to measure her but I do know the scale showed her weighing 22 lbs. Big girl! She's mostly back to happy go lucky but with pain in the butt mixed in. I left Katie with a babysitter/a friend on Tuesday for my appt and she did amazing. She had no problem with left with someone she barely knows. Good & bad I know. The other day I was getting water from the fridge & Katie saw the ultrasound on the fridge. She said "my baby" & pointed up at the us. It surprised me because we're told her about being a big sister & we're talked a little about it but it's not like an every day thing. It just surprised me she randomly pointed to the us & talk me that's her baby. :)

So, my first appt with new doctor was Tuesday & I have mixed feelings on it. I hate doctors telling me & insisting I'm going to have a hard pregnancy because of my size. He said I had a hard one last time & I did not. I had a few blips & ended up with pre-eclampsia the last 2-3 weeks but I don't consider that bad. He's going to highly monitor me since Katie was small. Again, she was small but she wasn't preemie or ever in NICU. She was completely healthy. So, whatever dude. I guess I won't complain about getting monthly ultrasounds after 20 weeks. :) Getting to see munchkin every month, watching him/her grow will be nice. I passed my glucose test but apparently doc wants me on a sugar free diet. Also to lose weight. So, after being annoyed with him I decided he just wants what's best for baby & for a easier healthier pregnancy. So, ok. I've been really watching what I eat & staying away from extra sugar. According to my scale I've lost almost 12 lbs in 3 months. I'll just keep it up. Maybe I'll keep getting the nausea that keeps me only eating a little. It sort of tells me "ok, enough, stop eating or I'll make you super nauseous". I'm talking like 1.5 eggs, 3/4 of my sandwich plus tomatoes & cucumber slices, etc. I can still eat, just not as much as before. Good for weight loss.

Well, I guess that's about all. I'll leave Katie's Christmas photo. It wasn't really what I wanted to do but we were having crappy weather & I needed to finish Christmas presents. Maybe we'll have a good day for more photos but I'll probably stick with the ones I did. :)

Merry Christmas Everyone!